For 1,347 reviews, this critic has graded:
  • 27% higher than the average critic
  • 3% same as the average critic
  • 70% lower than the average critic
On average, this critic grades 11.7 points lower than other critics. (0-100 point scale)

Joe Neumaier's Scores

  • Movies
  • TV
Average review score: 49
Highest review score: 100 The Way, Way Back
Lowest review score: 0 The Watch
Score distribution:
1347 movie reviews
    • 61 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This is what happens when the Norwegians try to make their own "Blair Witch Project": We get three-headed trolls that hate Vitamin D and references to "Deliverance."
    • 36 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Well-meaning but dreadfully executed movie.
    • 62 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Director Michel Leclerc's comedy plays like one of those foreign-movie spoofs Jerry and the gang would go to see on a "Seinfeld" episode. Only here, there's no "young girl's journey from Milan to Minsk" - just from madcap to moronic.
    • 53 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Has raw action and urgent performances, but loses power due to an amateur approach.
    • 30 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    A children's comedy about talking animals that feels as if it were written by children or, perhaps, by talking animals.
    • 38 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Carpenter's economical but mundane chiller is possessed more by previous ghoul-friend flicks than it is by his better work.
    • 66 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Alas, this learned woman of letters - her expertise became the work of Dostoyevsky, whose major novels Geier nicknames "the five elephants" - is ill served by a trudging approach and dry-as-dust, procedural style.
    • 82 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The result is a dull, high-minded soap opera.
    • 36 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    With the most growling and grunting of any movie this summer - and that includes those apes perched atop the box office - Conan the Barbarian seems at times to have actually been made by barbarians.
    • 49 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    As clichés trot through their sessions - it's like "In Treatment" as bedroom farce - we check out. Huppert, though, is as fearless as ever.
    • 28 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    These World Wrestling Entertainment-produced movies are a world unto themselves: Cliché-ridden B-flicks anchored by monstrously huge grapplers giving acting their all.
    • 55 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    3
    Rois has moments of desperate urgency and depth, but Twyker's love of parallels is finally done in by artsy shots of the threesome au naturel against stark white backdrops.
    • 25 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    A ridiculously cheesy confection filled with unthrilling thrills, bored-looking adults and a comically overstuffed backstory.
    • 41 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Broomfield's point that Palin followers threaten her enemies, though, is worthy of a different documentary - perhaps one about American fanaticism.
    • 28 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It should surprise no one that visually quirky, graphic-novelish, pulp-noir action flicks rarely come through the sausage machine intact.
    • 49 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Rote, dull and point-blank obvious.
    • 53 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Sadly, for 99% of its running time, this muddled sci-fi drama is filled with enough overplotting, bad acting and riddle-speak dialogue to stop a clock.
    • 17 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Finding a fresh setting for a comedy is difficult, but a Renaissance fair is too broad a target.
    • 33 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Though this family film is slick and well-intentioned, it comes off as shallow as a prom committee meeting.
    • 57 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Though Julia Leigh's surprisingly dull debut is meant to present the mysteries of a troubled young woman, you're more likely to wonder why its star, Emily Browning, is drawn to such demeaning roles.
    • 39 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The Sitter is not only an atrocious shout-out to bad '80s comedies, it's also the kind of movie Jonah Hill should look at as a crass blast from his past.
    • 22 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    A dumb thriller starring Dennis Quaid as a weirdo mortician taunted by high school kids into revealing what he did with his wife and her lover years before - and look at the movies it rips off...
    • 35 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Ridiculous and mannered, Loosies is light-fingered but heavy-handed.
    • 29 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The acting and general schlockiness make "Friday the 13th" look like "Macbeth," but it's clear D'Onofrio just wants to hang out. And actually, a lot of the music is really good. Let's hope next time, he decides to make something like "The Commitments" instead.
    • 67 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It would be easy to say that the final minutes of this mixed-up thriller make everything before it meaningless, but that would indicate the odd conclusion has meaning, too.
    • 24 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Still, in movie terms, Warrior's Heart makes curling look like gladiatorial combat.
    • 40 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Act of Valor is like watching the wrestlers in dramas produced by the WWE: They're great at what they do, but being in front of the camera isn't part of that.
    • 40 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Appearances from Jeff Goldblum, Zach Galifianakis and John C. Reilly help some, but all the mincing from Heidecker and Wareheim, the wanna-be, gross-out humor and THE CONSTANT SCREAMING get tiring.
    • 52 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It's an unfunny Spanish movie that worked best as a two-minute trailer.
    • 46 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    "Dopey" is too good a word for it.
    • 48 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Directors James Mather and Stephen St. Leger stage a few good action set pieces, but unlike the 1981 midnight movie classic it imitates, the blandly titled Lockout never busts out of its cheesy concept.
    • 41 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The folksy shenanigans are well-intentioned but frankly interminable, with Kline's wry efficiency the best relief from all the yowling and whining.
    • 38 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Director Mary Harron ("American Psycho") can do little with this bloodless drama.
    • 44 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This wannabe Sherlockian thriller is like a night spent at Madame Tussauds, watching mannequins strangle other mannequins.
    • 55 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Safe arrives filled with bombast and sneers but barely any thrills.
    • 41 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It winds up just being annoying.
    • 49 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Add two more stars here if zoning out to weirdo-dreamy, '80s public-access TV with a synthesizer soundtrack is your idea of midnight fun. Because this ambitious, but not uninteresting, failure has that in its DNA.
    • 41 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    What you don't expect is how bad almost all of it is.
    • 63 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The charmless but harmless A Cat in Paris hits theaters yet doesn't enchant.
    • 60 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Madagascar 3 can't upgrade its own shtick, becoming a craven example of a fast-buck, no-fun family film.
    • 31 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    As awful as most of That's My Boy is, it's sort of mesmerizing to see how Sandler - in a script credited to David Caspe - keeps his touchstones in place.
    • 42 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This insipid mashup of history lesson and monster flick takes itself semi-seriously, which is truly deadly.
    • 31 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This slovenly, self-indulgent riff on Charles Bukowski-like fringe-livers has all of the naked harshness of Bukowski with none of the poetry. At least Haas gives it a good shot.
    • 36 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    A ghost-busting drama set in a world of mystics, mind-benders and various and sundry fake-psychic gobbledygook. But the weirdest thing is how all the fun gets lost in a bottom-drawer "X Files" story.
    • 20 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Everything that goes around comes around, but the roundelay in 30 Beats comes off, well, a little square.
    • 43 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    There's something sadly poetic about a movie dealing with disappearing memories that vanishes from your mind while you watch it.
    • 22 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Filled with enough clichés to be broken up and sold in pieces as junk material.
    • 36 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This comic drama tries too hard to serve up a slice of manic life, but Eisenberg, along with Tracy Morgan and Isiah Whitlock Jr. as the affable druggies, provides some spark.
    • 57 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    By the middle of the second hour, you'll be wishing a zombie would just chomp off your head to end the pain.
    • 45 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It's the same-old flesh-chewing. Like vampires, this genre is getting deadly.
    • 44 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    After much fumbling, the snicks and giggles of adolescence grow wearying yet again.
    • 39 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Thuddingly awful.
    • 59 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The drug that Ma-Ma trafficks in, Slo-Mo, slows its user's brain to 1% of its normal speed. Dredd unfortunately makes you feel as if you, too, have partaken.
    • 45 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It is likely to become an unintended camp classic, something we haven't had since "Showgirls."
    • 20 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Irritating and clichéd.
    • 17 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Atrocious dreck that feels sitcomish, only without the polish or panache.
    • 40 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    PA 4's best idea, besides reintroducing the slow-walking, statuesque Katie, is a strange video trick involving lots of little lights filling a darkened room. It's tough to describe, but the cameras, of course, capture a figure the characters can't.
    • 31 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Texas Chainsaw 3D sees itself as over-the-top and knowing, but what we ultimately get is simply eyes without a face.
    • 33 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Okay, y'all, the never-ending appeal of the Southern-fried crime caper for filmmakers hungry for flavor is back with The Baytown Outlaws. Only here, the drawling accents, screeching tires and sawed-off blasts that rise again don't amount to much.
    • 28 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Swan is so eager to be a trippy comic lark that it ends up resembling a clown trying to fit through a pea-shooter.
    • 20 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    With a bit less grisliness, it could have been a mystery dinner-theater performance.
    • 28 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Ultimately, even more than 2007’s “Live Free or Die Hard,” “Good Day” never lets McClane be McClane. Gone is his taunting snark and quick-witted preparedness; instead he seems like a jerk with a thing for guns.
    • 21 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The movie’s gimmick is having the actors visually superimposed over sets created from actual Civil War photographs. But this collage effect, while striving for truthfulness, comes off like a View-Master version of a tale already told.
    • 37 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Muddled and inert despite the best intentions, this inescapably dull thriller plays like a Middle Eastern take on Liam Neeson’s “Taken.”
    • 28 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Hardworking Oscar winner Harden and beguiling Spanish star Watling do nothing for this haphazard film, which belatedly decides it wants to be a stage satire as the women lark into a ridiculous avant-garde production of “MacBeth.” Bloody awful.
    • 21 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Points for niche audaciousness, but that’s all.
    • 28 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Hemsworth has presence, but he also represents this film’s biggest problem: It feels like a bunch of good-looking kids putting on a show.
    • 48 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The bad news about Admission is that this thin envelope of a comedy checks all the boxes for being a phoned-in, phony, padded rom-com.
    • 49 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Unfortunately, the rest of writer-director Eran Creevy’s film just shows that the Brits, too, make good-looking but empty thrillers, just like in Hollywood.
    • 63 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Sort of “An American Psycho’s European Vacation,” this indie dramatic thriller mixes sex and violence and still winds up dull.
    • 11 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Luckily, folks like Snoop and good sports like Sheen and, yes, Lohan, break up the monotony. Until, like an undead beastie, the boredom and dumb jokes come roaring back.
    • 28 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The Big Wedding lets them all down with bottom-rung sitcom shtick and an undercurrent of squareness masquerading as absurdity.
    • 40 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    "Wolverine" is silly and typical, not in spite of but because it bonds an undeveloped family feud onto the main character's renegade story.
    • 33 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This would-be satire earns an E for Effort for wanting to be to the advertising world what “Being There” was to television.
    • 39 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    A lot of Aftershock predictably involves screaming or shock cuts, and the movie features a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo from Selena Gomez.
    • 46 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Black Rock is as dingy and dirty as the genre thrillers it appears to want to one-up. All it does, though, is bring everyone down.
    • 52 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Even young would-be botanists will find this charmless animated adventure as exciting as watching grass grow.
    • 41 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The movie even makes night-vision-goggle scares more irksome, a rare feat.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This dark lark is like walking around Times Square looking at the flashy logos and lights and thinking you see the message behind the medium.
    • 42 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Who let an unfunny, irritatingly acted two-hour commercial for Google onto multiplex screens?
    • 63 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It is no summer thriller. It’s an anemic actioner that fosters excitement like dead limbs as it lumbers toward a conclusion.
    • 40 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Even in shabbily put together dramedies, such as this one, there can be a glimmer of light. Here it’s Christine Lahti’s anguished, nuanced turn as a wife and mother excited to begin a new phase with her husband.
    • 37 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This smart-looking but empty adventure — with a hero that looks more Tom Ford than John Ford — suffers from a shambling script, shifting tones and a surplus of villains. Clunky and drawn out, “Ranger” shoots blanks, even with the star power of Johnny Depp behind it.
    • 20 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    What starts as a creepy, original conceit — mysterious Caesarean-section abductions during hospital stays — devolves quickly into standard talk-to-the-camera, jump-at-the-sounds, found-footage banality.
    • 64 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Laudable as its world-building is, the film drags not just in its interminable middle hour, but also during the redundant monster-on-mechawarrior smackdowns.
    • 25 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Travolta, who was more believable as a middle-aged housewife in “Hairspray” than he is as a former Serbian commando, has the accent down pat. But his Boris-and-Natasha-style syntax seems to represent Killing Season best. Just imagine that voice saying: Dees ees very seelly movie. Catch on cable TV, please.
    • 14 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The always beguiling Radha Mitchell can’t save this stunted procedural-horror combo.
    • 38 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Bening and Dillon are equally misused, and the rest of the cast is frankly just annoying. Like Imogene’s early promise, Girl Most Likely is likely to be forgotten quickly. The sooner the better.
    • 25 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It's nothing special. Which sort of makes it a loser all the way 'round. Expect a sad afterlife for it on cable.
    • 32 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Paranoia’s twitchiness is like an actual twitch: it’s contrived and clunky, and you forget it in an instant.
    • 42 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The missed opportunities in Austenland are more numerous than dowry-less sourpusses at a ball in a Jane Austen novel.
    • 37 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    What’s more depressing: that John Cusack chose the junky, un-exciting serial killer drama The Frozen Ground as his latest step away from John Cusack-y roles, or that Nicolas Cage chose to, at long last, be as un-Cage-like as possible?
    • 53 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    With no heat at all and a woefully disjointed cast, De Palma’s danse macabre never catches fire.
    • 49 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    The story feels like quicksand. Riddick, which couldn’t even qualify for proper summer movie placement, moves like Martian molasses and can’t present an action scene to save its life. You’ll wish you had Uncle Martin’s ability to speed people — not to mention awful movies — up.
    • 37 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Though Fontaine makes sure the beaches are sun-dappled and the women’s shared house comes off like a sandy paradise, the movie is like the early-’80s groaner “Summer Lovers” with wrinkle lines. Hooray for the freedom and beauty of older women — a demographic that deserves better than the deplorable Adore.
    • 41 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Evil babies aren’t exactly fresh meat for parody. Then again, there’s hardly a laugh in this whole hellish thing.
    • 42 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    It’s too bad we can’t take a hit out on The Family. This unexciting, unfunny would-be action satire is filled with Italian-American stereotypes, decades-old TV-style Mafia cliches, bits of business that never amount to anything and actors so much better than the hoary, one-joke material.
    • 52 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    This nothing-new-here documentary presents basketball’s onetime celebrity point guard in unguarded moments. But the result is banal and fawning, with Lin coming off as a pious, charmless subject.
    • 41 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Machete Kills? “Machete Bores” is more like it.
    • New York Daily News
    • 35 Metascore
    • 20 Joe Neumaier
    Ultimately, Paradise is a tiny version of a saint’s journey among sinners, an immature conception. Peramb-you-later, Lamb.

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