- Studio: Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
- Release Date: May 25, 1977
Review this movie
Sep 28, 2011This review contains spoilers. Well, you have the film start with that really annoying and ponderous scroll up the screen. Not a fan of that. Then we're introduced to C3P0 and R2D2. Even way back at the tender age of 5 when I first saw the movie, I could sense that there was some sort of homoerotic partnership going on between those two droids. Very uh, very dainty mannerisms. Of course, it was pissing me off that R2D2 just made a bunch of clips and beeps. Didn't find him cute at all, just indecipherable. What's up with that? Who needs a trashcan with some beeping noises?
Then we get the firefight that has a bunch of stormtroopers running in and dying because their armor does absolutely **** all. Luckily, the Rebel guards have about the same level of marksmanship and no armor. Darth Vader comes in... he's not bad, he's kinda cool looking. But uh, then we get to Princess Leia. And ya know, I just don't find Carrie Fisher attractive. She's not a good looking woman. Not a fan of her. You kinda get the sense she's trying really hard to stay skinny by vomiting after meals or something.
Annnd then we get the two droids walking around this barren desert and bickering at one another. I dunno... it just seemed really... boring and mundane. Not much of a crowd pleaser. It's also a very one sided conversation, since the little **** can only make beeps and clicks. **** him... I really thought it was good that he got tasered or whatnot.
So yadda yadda yadda and... we finally come to the hero of the entire film... Luke ****ing Skywalker. Our protagonist, if you will. A little whiny farm boy. Oh my God I cannot stand Luke. Or maybe it's Mark Hamill. Maybe Mark Hamill was the problem, but I didn't like him. And this was before his face got all mangled up in ESB. Dude really resembled some sort of mongoloid then. But in ANH, he was just really whiny and annoying and hard to stomach. The way he would just stare at those two setting suns like he'd never seen them before in his ****ing life. You just didn't see why we should care about this guy, who whines about wanting to go join his friends at some academy. Or he's going to Toshi to get water vapor machines or something... it just doesn't inspire any sort of liking to this guy. Later on, we find out he also has a thing for his sister. What the ****.
We meet Obi Wan Kenobi. Ridiculous name, of course. I can't see why anyone would think that's a name at all. Just **** But whatever. He rescues Luke from those sand people. Which was sad, cause I really wanted them to kill Luke and maybe eat his entrails? But no, we get treated to more of Mark Hamill's hammy ass acting as he acts surprised to learn more about his father. We see the first scene with the lightsaber, which looks awful of course, because this was the original version of the film I saw, back on VHS. No special edition with the CGI yet. So yea, it just looks kinda like a bright snow sword at times.
We go to the town and find Han Solo. Han Solo... really **** and smarmy. Not as bad a character as Luke, but still not all that likeable. Plus, he hangs around with this walking bigfoot ripoff named Chewie, who again like R2D2 doesn't actually say anything we can understand. That's just annoying, sticking in characters that can't talk. Then again, this is from a guy who gave us great lines like "I don't like sand. It's rough. Not like your skin, it's smooth. Not like sand." Or something to that effect.
The Force. Sooooooo ridiculous. Crazy mumble jumble. What is it, what does it do? I dunno, whatever George Lucas pulls outta his ass, apparently. New Age mysticism turned into a pithy little catchphrase in cinema. And that's the thing with Star Wars, it's not sci-fi, it's just sci-fantasy. A wizard did it, it doesn't have to make sense. Whatever, I hate fantasy.
The Death Star. Oh god, the Death Star. Why would you build a ginormous battle station with this one vulnerability that allows the entire thing to blow up? That doesn't seem like a very good design. The shaft somehow goes straight into the main core. Of course it does. It's the size of a small moon but they couldn't be bothered to have the shaft deviate in some sort of manner. It just goes straight. And no filters in between. Nothing to stop a missile or torpedo.… Collapse
Star Wars had all the right stuff, and unlike its confounding progenitor, "2001: A Space Odyssey," it was fairy-tale simple: "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," good met evil. [Special Edition]
An exhilarating update of "Flash Gordon," very much in the same half-jokey, half-earnest mood, but backed by special effects that, for once, really work and are intelligently integrated with the story.
If I were asked to say with certainty which movies will still be widely known a century or two from now, I would list "2001,'' "The Wizard of Oz,'' Keaton and Chaplin, Astaire and Rogers, and probably "Casablanca'' ... and "Star Wars,'' for sure.