| 80 |
The Hollywood Reporter
This creature feature is exhilarating fun, a richly designed and often quite funny re-exploration of the movie past.
|
| 80 |
Dallas Observer
This beast is as subtle as a Red Bull enema, but it succeeds magnificently as compulsively watchable spectacle.
|
| 75 |
Chicago Tribune
A movie that's underwritten, overdirected, overproduced and almost constantly over-the-top. But it's also, at its best, a big tongue-in-cheek extravaganza.
|
| 75 |
Chicago Sun-Times
Silly and spectacular, and fun.
|
| 63 |
New York Post
There is fun to be had at Van Helsing, but it requires considerable suspension of disbelief at the apparently deliberately ridiculous plot necessary to bring the three monsters together.
|
| 63 |
Premiere
Sharon Allen Burke
Horror classicists may be upset at his tampering with monster mythologies, but everyone else will just be going along for the ride, and they’ll have a terrific time.
|
| 63 |
Miami Herald
For all its tangle of characters and plot twists, Van Helsing isn't the slightest bit involving, and more than once (especially whenever Beckinsale is onscreen), it is unintentionally hilarious. But it's the rare kind of movie where the badness just adds to the fun.
|
| 60 |
Variety
The sense of evil overkill is entirely representative of the picture itself, which repeatedly looks ready to blow all its fuses due to sensory overload.
|
| 50 |
Film Threat
Clint Morris
You can appreciate the idea and you can appreciate the work that's gone into it, but you can't overlook the fact that Van Helsing hasn't delivered on its full potential.
|
| 50 |
Charlotte Observer
Universal Studios has unloaded its entire monster catalog in this movie, which is aimed at people with the attention span of a kindergartner. Shreds of coherence and character have been sacrificed to fangs and fisticuffs at every chance.
|
| 50 |
New York Daily News
Old monster movies were thrilling in a way that mingled terror, sexuality and a real preference for the monsters over their tormentors. Van Helsing is a kiddie adventure on an endless, meaningless loop.
|
| 50 |
The New York Times
Despite the rococo obsessiveness of its special effects and its voracious sampling of past horror movies, Van Helsing is mostly content to offer warmed-over allusions and secondhand thrills.
|
| 50 |
TV Guide
A hokey monster mish-mash that plunders the richly textured histories of Dracula, the Wolfman and Frankenstein's monster.
|
| 50 |
Washington Post
The effect for viewers is that of having inserted one's head in a kettledrum that is being pounded on by drunken monkeys.
|
| 50 |
Los Angeles Times
Kind of like a basketball team of all-stars -- no names, please -- that has difficulty jelling into one smooth and efficient unit.
|
| 50 |
USA Today
The dashing Jackman plays his part well enough, but the script doesn't provide sufficient "Indiana Jones"-style bons mots to win us over.
|
| 42 |
Portland Oregonian
Karen Karbo
If an eardrum-damaging score and people getting routinely slammed into stone walls at a 100 miles an hour without so much as chipping a tooth is your idea of a good time, then Van Helsing won't disappoint.
|
| 42 |
Seattle Post-Intelligencer
A monstrous disappointment.
|
| 40 |
Austin Chronicle
Van Helsing is simply far too much of a good thing, and although Hensley's Frankenstein Monster comes off better than anyone else, the film suffers from some truly inane dialogue and pacing that will likely cause tachycardia in members of the audience old enough to recall who Dwight Frye was.
|
| 40 |
Salon.com
Van Helsing wears its price tag on its ruffled lamé sleeve. And yet it gives off an aura of what I can only call lavish cheapness.
|
| 40 |
LA Weekly
It's all cliffhangers, with no downtime in between.
|
| 40 |
Empire
Ian Freer
The result reaches overload very quickly, squandering the potentially cool premise in a headlong assault of set-piece over story.
|
| 40 |
The New Yorker
The horror flick, at its height, was a lyrical caressing of our fears; by the end of this nonsense, you fear for the well-being of the genre. “It’s dead!” [24 May 2004, p. 96]
|
| 38 |
Philadelphia Inquirer
Instead of paying homage to these creepy creatures of bygone Hollywood, Sommers seems to be unwittingly lampooning them. The first few minutes of Van Helsing, shot in black and white, look like outtakes from Mel Brooks' gagfest "Young Frankenstein."
|
| 38 |
Baltimore Sun
The biggest crime of Van Helsing is that it resurrects classic monsters and fails to make them scary. With a full 132 minutes of feeble jokes and gimcrack phantasmagoria, it's not spine-tingling - it's butt-numbing.
|
| 38 |
Boston Globe
We haven't had a good Frankenstein, Dracula, or Wolf Man movie in a long time, so here's one where the whole gang shows up. One catch: It's not good.
|
| 33 |
Entertainment Weekly
Van Helsing, a fusion of eye candy and brain sputter, is a long, kinetic, yet dreary mess.
|
| 30 |
Washington Post
A special-effects extravaganza that uses the barest of excuses to bring these characters together.
|
| 30 |
Chicago Reader
The road of excess leads to the palace of boredom in this overblown monster epic.
|
| 30 |
Village Voice
In Van Helsing, the orgy of morphing, shrieking, lightning-cracking, and habitual rope-swinging quickly turns oppressive.
|
| 25 |
The Globe and Mail (Toronto)
To be fair, the movie is nothing if not consistent -- the idea is every bit as dumb as the execution.
|
| 25 |
Rolling Stone
Here's a shrieking bore of a horror flick.
|
| 25 |
Christian Science Monitor
In sum, Van Helsing is yet another video game disguised as a wide-screen epic. Here's hoping the box office drives a firm wooden stake through its hokey Hollywood heart.
|
| 20 |
Film Threat
Pete Vonder Haar
Sommers suspends the laws of time and physics and forces his characters to spout some of the cheesiest dialogue imaginable.
|
| 20 |
Slate
You have to feel for the army of talented FX people who must have spent months on scenes--trying to compensate, with their artistry, for the lack of dramatic logic--and having to listen to those lines over and over.
|
| 12 |
ReelViews
There are quite a few unintentionally funny moments, although the overall experience was too intensely painful for me to be able to advocate it as being "so bad, it's good."
|
| 10 |
The Onion (A.V. Club)
A work of staggering stupidity.
|
| 0 |
San Francisco Chronicle
Sommers film just lies there, weighted down by a complete lack of wit, artfulness and internal logic. So it's a disaster -- a big, loud, boring wreck.
|
| 0 |
Wall Street Journal
Nothing's alive in this trash-heap travesty of warm-weather entertainment, despite the frenetic pace.
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