Getting the timing down on when to load up the front suspension for extra liftoff on jumps takes a few races, but it quickly becomes second nature. Unfortunately, the game isn’t very realistic when it comes to rider collisions.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

The best side-scrolling action game for $30 this side of buying $30 worth of live crabs. That means buy it.

Sadly, Fight Night has left out back-alley options like fixing fights, in-fight cannibalism or even a seemingly drunk Larry Merchant doddering about the ring during the post-fight interviews. There’s always next year.

The stealth levels are the only other chink in the game's chain mail. Just when you finish turning arenas into butcher shops, who's in the mood for a little Metal Gear-style stealth? Answer: not us.

The line "Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules" has never been so fully embodied by a video game.

The line "Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules" has never been so fully embodied by a video game.

Even though the cartoony graphics are like classic arcade games, the controls remain remarkably sharp.

We love it for the über-violent finishing moves and optional online action and hate it for the "instant death traps" we get stuck in on nearly every level. If only we were less clumsy!

If you think you might be an RPG fan, this is definitely one to grab.

The biggest difference is the ability to manage your wingmen. Coincidentally, the game uses the same wingman commands we use when it's Ladies' Night at our favorite rum bar: attack, cover and disperse.

While the hand-to-hand stuff won't win any awards, the deep selection of vehicles (from pickup trucks to high-tech battle tanks) and the frenetic pace of the game more than make up for it.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

Buy. But be warned that if you're not already a Star Wars Galaxies player, it will be a long time before you're able to afford a decent ship.

Switch on those subtitles (the cockney accents make English sound like a bloody foreign language) or else you'll potentially miss out on some of the finest dialogue in a video game. Our favorite line: "She's had more pricks than a second-hand dartboard." Oi!

Sure, it's still basically a more sophisticated version of "Duck Hunt," but nothing helps us unwind quite like putting bullets through the heads of parachuting ninjas.

Bonus points: "My Sharona," the greatest freakin' song of all time, is one of 30 tracks in the game. Oh, my little pretty one!

The game alternates between first- and third-person views, but it is all action, allowing you to fight riding the Cyclone in motorcycle form or wearing it as mecha battle armor. Either way, it's a way more bitchin' ride than your little Vespa.

But don't let anything touch you, no matter what, because this game brings back the Old Testament concept of one-hit deaths. Beneath the Saturday morning cartoon exterior of the Metal Slug games beats a cruel heart that you'll either love or hate.

Online support for PS2 and Xbox plus multiple race modes will keep you on the track for days.

We're especially fond of the Homecourt Advantage meter, which fills up during games; the closer the score, the louder the fans get and the harder your controller shakes, making it tougher for the visiting team to hit jumpers and free throws.

And while the computer AI plays like an in-bred Appalachian boy, the wrestling mechanics are on-point.

The computer AI, just like your girlfriend, will sniff out your weaknesses and exploit the living crap out of them.

The Mario faithful will no doubt rejoice, since it's easily the best of the launch titles. But if you're not a Mario lover, you may want to hold out a few more weeks for something better.

A pleasant surprise. Yes, we were still creeping through bombed-out aircraft hangars and taking over bunkers brimming with Nazis, but we were enjoying ourselves for the first time in ages.

Your girlfriend will go batshit for this game. Even if she's always telling you how your games are "juvenile," and that she can't believe "she actually has sex on a regular basis with someone who owns a stupid PlayStation," she'll still love this disc to bits. Trust us.

After about 15 minutes of gameplay, our thumbs felt like Robert DeNiro in "Casino" had worked them over in the backroom with a hammer.

This game features the best hecklers of all time. When Boston's hirsute Johnny Damon steps to the plate, someone in the crowd shouts, "Cut your hair, you hippie!" Amen to that, brother!

Playing the game is like watching an episode of "Oz" while a priest performs an exorcism on your liver. And if you like your gore served up hot and fresh, you've come to the right place.

Playing the game is like watching an episode of "Oz" while a priest performs an exorcism on your liver. And if you like your gore served up hot and fresh, you've come to the right place.

It'll make you all warm and nostalgic at first, but don't' be surprised if by your second hour of gameplay an unfortunate sense of "didn't I play this back in 1989?" sets in.

The fighting engine is the tightest in the business.

Fact is, it's good. If you dig the Aeon franchise, Charlize's long, lithe getaway sticks, or third-person action games, check it out.

The addictive, just-one-more-race feel works perfectly with our normal just-one-more-can-of-cheap-beer schedule.

The tackles in the game—some of which can literally send players flying into the bleachers—are the most vertebrae-jangling hits we've seen this side of a roller derby.

The graphics are fantastic, particularly in the later stages, when some of the epic battle scenes are rivaled only by what goes on in your local trailer park.

While it's fun to watch the dwarf hacking away with his ax, the death spells cast by the necromancer make for far more enjoyable viewing.

What we really like about the game is that the unrelenting, merciless killing just feels right.

Hollywood creature designer Stan Winston lends his psychotic imagination to all of the monstrosities that pop up in the game. Instead of coming from obvious spawning points, creatures emerge from nearly any surface. The technique effectively adds dread to normally benign environments we haven't experienced since our days in the Boy Scouts.

The kids who take the short bus to school will learn to drive stick faster than you'll learn to gain even a rudimentary level of control over the Vertical Tank.

The single-player campaign is a little too short and too linear, but we're guessing it's probably still about a hundred times more thrilling than anything you'll see in "Episode III" come this May.

The plot doesn't make a lick of sense, but once you start knocking demons around the way Barry Bonds hits fastballs, trust us, you won't mind one bit.

This sturdy racing game features solid racing mechanics and a decent sense of speed, but it's a little unapologetically corny at times.

Depending on how much time you spend searching each of the 11 single-player maps for hidden items, it should take you a couple of days.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

While the hand-to-hand stuff won't win any awards, the deep selection of vehicles (from pickup trucks to high-tech battle tanks) and the frenetic pace of the game more than make up for it.

Sadly, Fight Night has left out back-alley options like fixing fights, in-fight cannibalism or even a seemingly drunk Larry Merchant doddering about the ring during the post-fight interviews. There's always next year.

The game is all about firepower. Rescuing tied-up hostages will get you power-up weapons like flamethrowers, heavy machine guns and a ground-hugging Iron Lizard missile.

The line "Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules" has never been so fully embodied by a video game.

It'll make you all warm and nostalgic at first, but don't' be surprised if by your second hour of gameplay an unfortunate sense of "didn't I play this back in 1989?" sets in.

Instead of going with a standard driver, we created a homicidal redneck with the Create-a-Driver option. Well, all we really did was rebuild Dale Jarrett with his old mustache. He just didn't look right without it.

We're especially fond of the Homecourt Advantage meter, which fills up during games; the closer the score, the louder the fans get and the harder your controller shakes, making it tougher for the visiting team to hit jumpers and free throws.

The game alternates between first- and third-person views, but it is all action, allowing you to fight riding the Cyclone in motorcycle form or wearing it as mecha battle armor. Either way, it's a way more bitchin' ride than your little Vespa.

A pleasant surprise. Yes, we were still creeping through bombed-out aircraft hangars and taking over bunkers brimming with Nazis, but we were enjoying ourselves for the first time in ages.

This game features the best hecklers of all time. When Boston's hirsute Johnny Damon steps to the plate, someone in the crowd shouts, "Cut your hair, you hippie!" Amen to that, brother!

The computer AI, just like your girlfriend, will sniff out your weaknesses and exploit the living crap out of them.

Playing the game is like watching an episode of "Oz" while a priest performs an exorcism on your liver. And if you like your gore served up hot and fresh, you've come to the right place.

Fact is, it's good. If you dig the Aeon franchise, Charlize's long, lithe getaway sticks, or third-person action games, check it out.

The tackles in the game-some of which can literally send players flying into the bleachers-are the most vertebrae-jangling hits we've seen this side of a roller derby.

We love it for the über-violent finishing moves and optional online action and hate it for the "instant death traps" we get stuck in on nearly every level. If only we were less clumsy!

Getting the timing down on when to load up the front suspension for extra liftoff on jumps takes a few races, but it quickly becomes second nature. Unfortunately, the game isn't very realistic when it comes to rider collisions.

Peppering enemy ships with lasers and smart bombs while navigating trench runs is white-knuckle fun.

Though it's a great title in the Zelda franchise, the action is hindered by all the extra equipment necessary to get the most out of it.

While the hand-to-hand stuff won't win any awards, the deep selection of vehicles (from pickup trucks to high-tech battle tanks) and the frenetic pace of the game more than make up for it.

A pleasant surprise. Yes, we were still creeping through bombed-out aircraft hangars and taking over bunkers brimming with Nazis, but we were enjoying ourselves for the first time in ages.

The tempo of the battle sometimes swings according to the level of each army's morale. Chip away at your enemy's self-esteem by ramming three feet of steel through their guts. Then tell your own troops to buck up. Try complimenting them on their weight loss.

The upgrades seem to number in the hundreds and require you to navigate multitudes of menus. Whether you look at this as challenging or soul-crushing should give you an idea of whether you should buy the game.

Catwoman's whip allows you to destroy objects and lash your prey with an effortless grace that would make a Bangkok dominatrix burn with jealousy.

It's pretty short—six to eight hours, tops. The Xbox version is the way to go, since the load times between "rooms" are a fraction of what they are on the PS2.

Despite PS1-era graphics and stubborn controls, we found ourselves spending many blissful hours kicking some Roman ass.

If there's any current genre in need of a Fight Night–style makeover, it's THQ's rasslin' line. In the words of the Undertaker: R.I.P., grappling games...at least for a little while. If you must, then rent.

There are no ogres to impale, no weapons (unless a fishing pole counts as a weapon), no panty-flashing fights between Amazons. Like your stoner brother, the game is a little too laid back for its own good, doesn't have any goals, and it farts like muffler-less Buick whenever it eats peanuts.

The first game in a proposed space opera trilogy, in theory, wants to be the video game equivalent of "Star Wars," but in practice turns out to be more "Battlestar Galactica." As soon as we took control of space ace Gideon Wyeth, we smelled a bit of intergalactic cheese, here.

The creators seem to have focused more on blending cinematic elements and story arc than on controls and action. Still, it's a solid all-around title that pushes games in a different direction and serves as a vivid reminder that living in America is way better than living in Chechnya.

While single-player is a mix of the funny and the frustrating, multiplayer, provides its fair share of silly-ass thrills.

Catwoman's whip allows you to destroy objects and lash your prey with an effortless grace that would make a Bangkok dominatrix burn with jealousy.

Basically a hybrid FPS, Killer App combines straight-up shooting with some of the classic Tron universe vehicles like the light cycles.

It's pretty short-six to eight hours, tops. The Xbox version is the way to go, since the load times between "rooms" are a fraction of what they are on the PS2.

It's not as pretty as "Dead Or Alive Ultimate," or as technical as "Virtua Fighter 4," but this certainly has its own unique charm.

Besides the normal cat-like abilities, you can also initiate a feral, berserker mode that ups the damage of your attacks. Catwoman's whip allows you to destroy objects and lash your prey with an effortless grace that would make a Bangkok dominatrix burn with jealousy.

The long load times and pesky bugs, which vexed Tribes 2, are there to once again wreck havoc on our fun, so you need to download the necessary patches.

Despite the numerous missions on the disc, you can zip through the entire game in an afternoon.

But, much like riding an elevator with a bunch of retards, the game Seven Samurai is a button-mashing frenzy.

A solid technical effort from Konami, but mainly only serious soccer fans will want to lace up their digital boots for this one.

Buy with the knowledge that even the multiplayer mode can’t save some environments from growing stale.

Slick targeting systems let you lock onto enemies and blast away from every angle: Hug walls, perform evasive maneuvers and slide across the floor all while emptying your guns on your foes.

Keep an ice bag handy, because you'll press the square and triangle buttons billions of times before this one goes back on the shelf. The final boss: Carpal Tunnel!

The racing feels bone-dry next to the tastier "Midnight Club 3"; the tracks in Juiced are closed off and clean, giving the game a hygienic feel.

The racing feels bone-dry next to the tastier "Midnight Club 3"; the tracks in Juiced are closed off and clean, giving the game a hygienic feel.

The soundtrack, featuring James Brown and Strawberry Alarm Clock, keeps you going long after the Agent Orange has taken away your ability to feel.

The narrative is a bit thin—there's a new drug on the street called "Liquid Soul" and your task is to figure out where it's coming from—but once the fists and lead start flying, you won't really give a damn why you're doing what you're doing.

While playing, we began to wonder whether it would be cooler if the bad guys won? We tried joining forces with them, but died each time. Way to be cliquey, guys.

This edition costs only $30, but you essentially get one game, with a lot of variants, for the money. If you want to go retro, you should pick up "Midway Arcade Treasures" for more 2-D bang for less buck.

Much of the run-and-gun action is marvelously good but whenever we were just starting to get comfortable with a level or a particular set of weapons, the game was already zipping us off to someplace new.

There is never a break in the action, and even with the obvious emphasis on ESP, the bullets never stop flying.

And speaking of those late stages, don't plan on seeing them. Ever. This game is so controller-bustingly hard that even the one guy in the office who beat "Ninja Gaiden" ended up wetting himself, then shivering in a corner of the Xerox room all afternoon. Which is a real shame, because behind that near-impossible difficulty there's a big, beautiful action game here.

The developers have managed to squeeze some extra mileage out of the tired "extreme sports" format with a solid racing engine and a trick/combo that will have you linking more tricks together than a prostitute at Charlie Sheen's Playa's Ball.

At times, the game is more complicated than it needs to be (e.g., top scorer sets the rules, minigames within the game), but there are 20 episodes with over 60 girls displaying their tidbits, many of which are quite tantalizing.

Using the various bio-augmentations is a hoot (one makes you invulnerable, another slows down time, etc.) Unfortunately, the developers were damn stingy with the save points, which means you'll be replaying some levels more times than you'd like.

And the online play and Franchise mode are limited compared with the competition. But for a relaunch of an old, broken-down series, it's a screaming slap shot in the right direction.

While some of the mini-games are curiously compelling—one had us actually blowing into the NDS microphone to snuff out a series of marching candles that were about to set a group of people on fire—there's no reason to ever play it again once the LSD wears off.

The action is solid—we actually enjoyed the old-school game play—but the sprawling level design cramped our fun. If you miss one of the hostages (and you will), plan on spending about 10 minutes backtracking. Ah, good times.

Something about the A.E.U.G. rebels doing battle against the elite Titans police force…oh hell, just pass the damn aspirin already. But the gameplay does feature its fair share of bright and shiny explosions.

Sporting bigger loads than John Holmes (almost all of EA's PSP titles are plagued with long load times), this miniature version of the MVP franchise seems to be trying a little too hard to look good.

Indeed, the game requires constant shouting into the mike; so you can forget about ever playing this cart on public transporation... unless of course you don't mind being mistaken for an insane person.

Indeed, the game requires constant shouting into the mike; so you can forget about ever playing this cart on public transporation... unless of course you don't mind being mistaken for an insane person.

Indeed, the game requires constant shouting into the mike; so you can forget about ever playing this cart on public transporation... unless of course you don't mind being mistaken for an insane person.

Sneaking up on unsuspecting monkeys, cracking them in the head with your stun club, then scooping them up in your net, we confess, is still as much fun as drinking six happy hour-priced banana daiquiris.

All told, Galleon provides the standard 30 to 40 hours of game play, a little less if you keep exploration to a minimum.

The soundtrack, featuring James Brown and Strawberry Alarm Clock, keeps you going long after the Agent Orange has taken away your ability to feel.

The narrative is a bit thin-there's a new drug on the street called "Liquid Soul" and your task is to figure out where it's coming from-but once the fists and lead start flying, you won't really give a damn why you're doing what you're doing.

Buy with the knowledge that even the multiplayer mode can’t save some environments from growing stale.

Much of the run-and-gun action is marvelously good but whenever we were just starting to get comfortable with a level or a particular set of weapons, the game was already zipping us off to someplace new.

The racing feels bone-dry next to the tastier "Midnight Club 3"; the tracks in Juiced are closed off and clean, giving the game a hygienic feel.

There is never a break in the action, and even with the obvious emphasis on ESP, the bullets never stop flying.

The irreverent, goofball sense of humor from the show is intact, which makes up for the sometimes iffy controls.

Using the various bio-augmentations is a hoot (one makes you invulnerable, another slows down time, etc.) Unfortunately, the developers were damn stingy with the save points, which means you'll be replaying some levels more times than you'd like.

At times, the game is more complicated than it needs to be (e.g., top scorer sets the rules, minigames within the game), but there are 20 episodes with over 60 girls displaying their tidbits, many of which are quite tantalizing.

There is never a break in the action, and even with the obvious emphasis on ESP, the bullets never stop flying.

The irreverent, goofball sense of humor from the show is intact, which makes up for the sometimes iffy controls.

Much of the run-and-gun action is marvelously good but whenever we were just starting to get comfortable with a level or a particular set of weapons, the game was already zipping us off to someplace new.

It gets off to a promising enough start, but then it stumbles, then trips over its own feet, then chokes on its own vomit, then dies a slow, miserable death.

But can someone please explain why we lose Enthu points when aggressive opponents tag us in the ass-end? Only a cloven-hoofed Enron accountant would think this was OK.

Capcom updated the combat system from the original game to make the movements seem more authentic. It also added the ability to kill your opponents in a single counterattack finishing move. This doesn't add to the game, but it makes waxing anyone who gets in your way laughably easy.

Like a late-night hookup with the town floozy, this game might look promising when you take it home, but trust us, the next morning you're going to wonder why this disc is snuggled up inside your Xbox. Rent.

Remember how sparks and hubcaps pingponged everywhere in "Burnout Revenge" and "Midnight Club 3?" Remember how your eyes hurt because you were afraid to blink during races? Sadly, the only thing Rush made us feel was hungry for more beer nuts.

Game play is like "Jet Grind Radio," minus the roller skates. Worse still, the game's camera wheels around like Flava Flav after quaffing too much Dom P.

It’s decent, mindless fun…until you realize how little freedom your four heroes actually have.

Just like our last girlfriend, the game does a little too much hand-holding for our tastes. And any gamer worth his beans won't be challenged by Sly 3 until the excellent final levels.

It's decent, mindless fun…until you realize how little freedom your four heroes actually have.

The game's third-person combat is pretty much D.O.A.—target, shoot, repeat, etc.—but things pick up considerably once you acquire your chainsaw and boomstick (aka 12-gauge shotgun). And things pick up again after you partner up with a wise-cracking midget Deadite.

The game's third-person combat is pretty much D.O.A.—target, shoot, repeat, etc.—but things pick up considerably once you acquire your chainsaw and boomstick (aka 12-gauge shotgun). And things pick up again after you partner up with a wise-cracking midget Deadite.

But battling groups of bad guys gets dangerously dull after an hour or two, especially when the game's unfair A.I., just like our booze-addled fathers, has a tendency to make you pay dearly for even the slightest gaff.

Game play is like "Jet Grind Radio," minus the roller skates. Worse still, the game's camera wheels around like Flava Flav after quaffing too much Dom P.

It gets off to a promising enough start, but then it stumbles, then trips over its own feet, then chokes on its own vomit, then dies a slow, miserable death.

Like a late-night hookup with the town floozy, this game might look promising when you take it home, but trust us, the next morning you're going to wonder why this disc is snuggled up inside your Xbox. Rent.

Except for the cuts that play during the menu screens, the game features absolutely no music. Now that's hardcore, baby!

Game play is like "Jet Grind Radio," minus the roller skates. Worse still, the game's camera wheels around like Flava Flav after quaffing too much Dom P.

Remember how sparks and hubcaps pingponged everywhere in "Burnout Revenge" and "Midnight Club 3?" Remember how your eyes hurt because you were afraid to blink during races? Sadly, the only thing Rush made us feel was hungry for more beer nuts.

It's decent, mindless fun…until you realize how little freedom your four heroes actually have.

The game's third-person combat is pretty much D.O.A.-target, shoot, repeat, etc.-but things pick up considerably once you acquire your chainsaw and boomstick (aka 12-gauge shotgun). And things pick up again after you partner up with a wise-cracking midget Deadite.

It's decent, mindless fun…until you realize how little freedom your four heroes actually have.

All in all, it seems like Activision has missed the boat. Instead of going the "Prince of Persia" route, taking a nostalgic title and darkening the action while beefing up the story, Lost Expedition wallows in mediocrity like a large, pink sow that uses words like mediocrity.

Hours to complete: That depends on how long you can deal with mediocrity.

The convoluted control scheme outlined in the manual leads you believe you can pull of coolly calculated combinations (isn't alliteration fun!), but the action quickly devolves into button-mashing confusion.

Rent. You can play through the game in an afternoon and still get to your weekly "Magic: The Gathering" tournament on time.

You can duke it out in one weight class in the Champion Road mode, but it’s more fun watching flyweights pepper lumbering hulks with a couple of kicks, take ’em down and elbow them into oblivion.

This sequel boasts larger battle arenas, including a surprisingly convincing New York City.

The game's sole bright spot, sadly enough, is managing the magazine. When tracking market trends to increase readership is more thrilling than talking a cotton-tailed hottie into straddling you in the Grotto, you know something is very wrong.

The game's sole bright spot, sadly enough, is managing the magazine. When tracking market trends to increase readership is more thrilling than talking a cotton-tailed hottie into straddling you in the Grotto, you know something is very wrong.

Slam it in reverse unless you're entertained by rolling quarters across a sunlit floor.

Slam it in reverse unless you're entertained by rolling quarters across a sunlit floor.

Athens is Dance Mat compatible, which opens up the potential for some ridiculous four-way group competition. Unfortunately, Olympic events are intrinsically boring.

In fact, the game is almost as dull as listening to NPR (almost), but since it's so mercifully short, the credits will be rolling before you realize just how little fun you're having.

The trademark 360-degree combat system still has us using the right control stick to assign attack buttons to enemies, but the fisticuffs now seem stale by today's action-game standards.

The game combines stealth elements with brute force. Hell, Trigger Man even has a Knife Cam that lets you steer your blade through the air after throwing it.

Spell casting is a nice twist but overall this is your usual movie tie-in.

Whether you're reeling in a king mackerel in Alaska or a peacock bass in the Amazon, there's still not enough spice to make up for the fact that you're fishing.

For a handheld version, it ain't bad, but don't expect the same slick game you've been playing on the Xbox.

Blindly swinging your sword while trying to manipulate your skeleton is like trying to drive a unicycle on a high wire covered with banana peels. And we all know how that brilliant little experiment ended, now don't we?

The baseball action, even sans the MLB license (it belongs to 2K Sports, now), is still the best in the business.

All in all, it seems like Activision has missed the boat. Instead of going the "Prince of Persia" route, taking a nostalgic title and darkening the action while beefing up the story, Lost Expedition wallows in mediocrity like a large, pink sow that uses words like mediocrity.

The convoluted control scheme outlined in the manual leads you believe you can pull of coolly calculated combinations (isn't alliteration fun!), but the action quickly devolves into button-mashing confusion.

The feel of the flippers translate well into the game, letting you practice stalls and precision shots...Overall, it's a solid simulation of the real thing. Then again, the real thing only costs a quarter to play.

The game's graphics do a swell job of mimicking the trademark Pixar look and the levels are all based on the more memorable action sequences from the film. The game play, however, tastes like leftovers: clobber a bunch of bad guys, flip switch, repeat.

The game combines stealth elements with brute force. Hell, Trigger Man even has a Knife Cam that lets you steer your blade through the air after throwing it.

This sequel boasts larger battle arenas, including a surprisingly convincing New York City.

The game's sole bright spot, sadly enough, is managing the magazine. When tracking market trends to increase readership is more thrilling than talking a cotton-tailed hottie into straddling you in the Grotto, you know something is very wrong.

Slam it in reverse unless you're entertained by rolling quarters across a sunlit floor.

Spell casting is a nice twist but overall this is your usual movie tie-in.

Whether you're reeling in a king mackerel in Alaska or a peacock bass in the Amazon, there's still not enough spice to make up for the fact that you're fishing.

The baseball action, even sans the MLB license (it belongs to 2K Sports, now), is still the best in the business.

Hours to complete: That depends on how long you can deal with mediocrity.

All in all, it seems like Activision has missed the boat. Instead of going the "Prince of Persia" route, taking a nostalgic title and darkening the action while beefing up the story, Lost Expedition wallows in mediocrity like a large, pink sow that uses words like mediocrity.

The game's graphics do a swell job of mimicking the trademark Pixar look and the levels are all based on the more memorable action sequences from the film. The game play, however, tastes like leftovers: clobber a bunch of bad guys, flip switch, repeat.

The game combines stealth elements with brute force. Hell, Trigger Man even has a Knife Cam that lets you steer your blade through the air after throwing it.

The sequel features even more happy, shiny, Hello Kitty!—style idiocy. But peel away the idiocy, and you'll find the same dull, creatively bankrupt ball-rolling mini-game as the original.

After each race you feel underwhelmed. There are no "wow factor" moments.

The chronic problem that has plagued pinball games since the dawn of time plagues this pinball game: luck, rather than genuine skill, always wins the day. Trust us, jamming on those flippers and hoping for the best gets old fast.

Raccoon City, the site of one or two zombie infestations in the past, is a playable level in the game.

With no online capabilities or even tag-team possibilities, you're better off spending the 40 bucks on a Jenga game and a case of Schlitz.

After two ass-kicking PS2 installments, the Guilty Gear fighting series has finally KO’d itself.

The comprehensive, well-designed 20-minute tutorial is about 19 minutes too long for us.

If watering plants and making sure the food court is swept is your idea of a grand old time, then this might be the game for you.

The problem is, this disc probably won't offend anyone other than Hillary Clinton and it won't titillate anybody over the age of 12. Indeed, playing the game is like watching a third grader make farting noises: Both the game and the kid are trying like crazy to be offensive, but all they really want is a little attention.

Bury this one six feet under. Even if the Tim Burton aesthetic turns you on, the tepid gameplay makes this disc DOA.

The actual gameplay mechanics blow. The's game's targeting and camera system is about as skittish as the Howells' from Gilligan's Island would be at the Vibe Awards.

Like this year's Philadelphia Eagles, this game is the quintessential example of a franchise taking a step in the wrong direction. Our advice: Run away.

With eight race tracks in all, and only a couple of game modes to work through, you should be able to burn rubber through this cart in under an hour or two.

After each race you feel underwhelmed. There are no "wow factor" moments.

The problem is, this disc probably won't offend anyone other than Hillary Clinton and it won't titillate anybody over the age of 12. Indeed, playing the game is like watching a third grader make farting noises: Both the game and the kid are trying like crazy to be offensive, but all they really want is a little attention.

Like this year's Philadelphia Eagles, this game is the quintessential example of a franchise taking a step in the wrong direction. Our advice: Run away.

The actual gameplay mechanics blow. The's game's targeting and camera system is about as skittish as the Howells' from Gilligan's Island would be at the Vibe Awards.

After each race you feel underwhelmed. There are no "wow factor" moments.

Like this year's Philadelphia Eagles, this game is the quintessential example of a franchise taking a step in the wrong direction. Our advice: Run away.

The disc doesn't do anything that every other third-person action game on the market does better.

Don't bother dissecting the plot, as the incredibly short game ends abruptly, giving the impression that the creators quit halfway through. Sort of like us with therapy.

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

Humming the words or making any sound at all into the microphone will get you through these so-called challenges. And that's just plain wack.

Somewhere there is an audience for the kind of soul-crushing ennui that Capsule Monster Coliseum drapes around you like a ravenous anaconda…made of ennui.

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

Making cardboard cutouts of samurais and taping them to your TV screen is more fun than playing this game. Try it. You'll see.

Remember playing awesome quarter-eaters like Swimmer and Pinball Action? Neither do we. Which means all you old farts can go back to chasing kids off your front lawns instead of playing this game.

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

Though the graphics are sharp, the world is tiny and the pain-in-the-ass controls make killing monsters a chore.

The fancy-pants replay is a nice enough function…except for the fact that all the other cars on the course mysteriously vanish into thin air during playback. Um, didn't anyone notice this?

Cleaning in a video game is even less fun than cleaning in real life. Only a masochist would find this charming. And recharging little Chibi every five fucking minutes sucks harder than our Dirt Devil.

Even with superstrong "Hyper" mode and customizable weapons, it took everything we had to not fall asleep on our controller.