Mean Machine

Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

A likably energetic star vehicle for English sports god Vinnie Jones.

Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

Guy Ritchie, who started out as such an innovator in "Lock, Stock, etc.," seems to have headed directly for reliable generic conventions as a producer. But they are reliable, and have become conventions for a reason: They work. Mean Machine is what it is, and very nicely, too.

Salon.com Andrew O'Hehir

I'm not sure Mean Machine is any worse than "The Longest Yard," but it lacks the nihilistic '70s background that lent the latter's combination of humor and brutality an air of (arguably bogus) social commentary.

Chicago Reader Lisa Alspector

Mildly exciting sports-in-prison movie.

Los Angeles Times Kevin Thomas

Mean Machine may not have the resonance to linger in the memory affectionately as "The Longest Yard" does, but it plays well, with a fast pace and plenty of punch.

Chicago Tribune Robert K. Elder

Sports movies are never easy to pull off, but Skolnick does a fine job of balancing the drama with the on-field action.

Boston Globe Jay Carr

More machine than mean, although it's anything but a smoothly running operation.

New York Post Lou Lumenick

Accomplishes a near miracle -- this British import makes you yearn for Burt Reynolds, who appeared in a vastly more entertaining version of the same story.

New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

In Mean Machine, soccer is pretty much an excuse to watch a bunch of grown men smashing their heads together. Which, come to think of it, may be enough.

Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

Disappointingly straightforward remake.

Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

Against heavy odds, Mean Machine adds darker flavors to the plot without curdling it. Beneath the comic craziness is real craziness, and desperation. These goal-kicking, bone-crunching cons are both actors in and prisoners of their own horror show.

LA Weekly Paul Malcolm

It does, however, fairly bubble with speed-freak energy and a dry, laddish wit that keeps the jokes coming.

Seattle Post-Intelligencer Sean Axmaker

There's just no juice to this thing, merely a bunch of fitfully funny gags and a climactic football match that, under Skolnick's direction, fails to show us why the Europeans find this so exciting.

San Francisco Chronicle Edward Guthmann

Takes a long time getting started and doesn't hit its stride until Danny starts coaching a team of fellow cons -- think "Bad News Bears," just nastier.

The New York Times Dana Stevens

The surface is rough and profane enough, and the acting sufficiently restrained, to cover the sentimental story with a varnish of gritty realism. But stylish bravado and bad-boy performances don't make the film any less predictable.

TV Guide Maitland McDonagh

This amiable picture talks tough, but it's all bluster -- in the end it's as sweet as "Greenfingers."

Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

After too many ''Full Monty''s, it has come to look like nothing so much as a coy ritual of emasculation.

Village Voice Justine Elias

The most off-key notes here are the sentimental ones: When David Kelly shows up, reprising the wise-trustee role he had in the horticulture-behind-bars movie "Greenfingers," it's as though some twee script gremlin sneaked in and meddled with the Guy Ritchie schematics.

The Onion (A.V. Club) Scott Tobias

While competently staged and punched up by Lock, Stock's changing camera speeds, it doesn't have the wit or intrigue to sustain its half-length.

Variety Derek Elley

OK entertainment but nothing more.

The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Rick Groen

Barely a chuckle in sight.

Portland Oregonian Shawn Levy

A by-the-numbers recipe that ought to have shot off at least a few sparks, is as drab as the inmates' prison blues.

Washington Post Desson Thomson

Dramatically lackluster.

Washington Post Stephen Hunter

I found it a rough night at the flickers.

New Times (L.A.) Luke Y. Thompson

If you have any desire to see this movie, you really should go rent "The Longest Yard" instead. It's available on DVD, and the '70s hairdos alone are worth the rental price.