This is a very, very sad game. I'm not sure how or why it happened, but it's here so let's get this over with.
Apparently this masterpieceThis is a very, very sad game. I'm not sure how or why it happened, but it's here so let's get this over with.
Apparently this masterpiece was made in 2007 but it only appeared on Steam in 2014. The word 'dated' doesn't even begin to describe the graphics. I think I've seen games more impressive on my old PS1. All models are low poly and blocky, every single texture is low res and blurry. Animations are stiff and awkward. The whole thing just looks so unappealing and bland it's hard to even come up with stuff to say about it.
Sound and music are just as bad. Bland. Boring. Some of the sounds are so stupid it's genuinely funny, though.
The gameplay... god, the gameplay. Right off the bat, the controls are terrible. Arrows for movement and Numpad for everything else? Seriously? What is this, the 90s? You can change the control scheme at least, but even then it plays terribly. You get several types of gameplay and they're all bad. In the 2D sections, you run from left to right, avoid cheap (and often invisible) instant death traps, shoot racist stereotype clone enemies and save racist stereotype civilians. In FPS sections (the worst FPS you've ever seen, by the way) you run around in a small arena and shoot racist stereotype clone enemies. If you try and leave the arena, you will be killed instantly. Occasionally you get a minigame of sorts: mash a button to trash a gangster's car or leisurely jog away from a vehicle that's trying to run you over. It's exactly as exciting as it sounds, but it's actually pretty damn funny if you're wasted.
Where would a game like this be without bugs, right? Fortunately, Alpha Zylon has you covered and you will fall through the game map and to your death more than once. This also leads to some pretty funny 'wtf' moments, especially when playing with a group of friends.
I'm not really sure what else to say. This game is bad. Like really, really, REALLY bad. Words don't do it justice, you have to see it to believe it. However, if you enjoy playing terrible games while drunk, Alpha Zylon is perfect for you and I can't recommend it enough. That's why it gets 1/10 instead of a zero: it's so bad it's hilarious.… Expand
