- Starring: Alexa Vega, Antonio Banderas, Charlie Sheen, Cuba Gooding Jr., Danny Trejo, Demián Bichir, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofía Vergara
- Summary: In his latest mission, Machete is recruited by the U.S. President to stop a crazed global terrorist from starting a nuclear war. With a bounty on his head, Machete faces death at every turn from a series of deadly assassins.
Machete Kills dulls more than anything. It's not that Robert Rodriguez's sequel lacks any of the camp or exploitative violence of the 2010 original. The mayhem has just become boring.
As violent as its predecessor yet noticeably duller and less outrageous, Machete Kills is dragged to the finish line entirely by its director’s madcap energy and an absurd cast of major stars in strange cameos.
Oct 11, 2013Guns don’t kill. Machete Kills! Actually, the opening scene of this bizarre sequel to the even bizarre-er 2010 original Machete shows thatGuns don’t kill. Machete Kills! Actually, the opening scene of this bizarre sequel to the even bizarre-er 2010 original Machete shows that guns do kill. They just don’t kill Machete (Danny Trejo), whom you’ll recall from the first film survived a shot to the head when the bullet was blocked by another bullet, already lodged in his skull. Machete Kills continues director/co-writer Robert Rodriguez’s penchant for outrageous plot developments performed by “what-the?” casting choices. Mel Gibson plays a villain straight out of a Bond film Moonraker, to be precise. Charlie Sheen (listed in the credits by his birth name, Carlos Estevez) follows in his father’s footsteps as the U.S. President. And Lady Gaga is introduced as “whoever she wants to be.” Name your box-office poison. If Fatty Arbuckle were still around, he’d have a cameo for sure. Yet somehow, the results work. That’s probably because Rodriguez takes nothing seriously. The plot which could fit on the back of a cereal box, but only the really sugary kind involves a Mexican madman (Oscar nominee Demian Bichir) who wants the U.S. to clean up the corruption in his country, or he’ll fire a nuclear warhead at Washington. (Apparently he’s been reading Madman Tactics for Dummies.) President Sheen, or Estevez, or whatever, calls on Machete to help. “You know Mexico,” he tells the taciturn strongman. “Hell, you are Mexico.” Helping him will be a government agent played by Amber Heard. Her cover identity is beauty pageant winner Miss San Antonio, but has the operative gone too deep into character? In one scene she texts Machete: CU There! More about the story I cannot reveal. It’s not that I’m against spoilers; I just wasn’t sure what was going on most of the time, although whatever it is, it’s as funny as a roadrunner cartoon and only about 2.5 times as violent. Machete faces off against La Camaleón, a shape-shifting assassin played by a bewildering array of actors (Cuba Gaga Banderas Jr., etc). He crosses paths with Desdemona (Sofia Vergara), whose 32F brassieres pack a 38-calibre punch. (You’ll never guess where she keeps her backup firepower.) He hooks up with former partner Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), who sports a sexy eye patch and has a feminist revolutionary poster on her wall that reads Shé. And he makes use of a road-tunnel under the U.S.-Mexican border, stolen directly from 2009’s Fast & Furious. The movie runs for 107 minutes but features a ticking-clock timeline that allows it to pack more into 24 hours than, well, 24. And it opens with a fake trailer for Machete Kills Again In Space! At least, I think it’s a fake trailer. You may recall that the first Machete sprang from just such a bogus teaser, attached to 2007’s Grindhouse. So while Machete likes to say “Machete don’t” lines Machete don’t smoke, tweet, joke, etc. the one thing Machete seems destined to do is return.… Expand
Oct 17, 2013This review contains spoilers, click expand to view. It is a good film it made me laght i can't wait untill another one comes out it will be awsome all the actors they have in the film are well known all over the world and each and every one, It's so freaking ridiculous, even more so than the original in all the right ways. The action is great, bloody and creative. The plot is so bonkers and unpredictable you'll always be wondering what will happen next, the casting is excellent and many of the many many maaaaaany characters are likeable an… Expand
Nov 4, 2013This review contains spoilers, click expand to view. THE most badass movie of 2013! I loved every minute of it! Basic plot is that Machete is now going after a nutjob who wants to nuke the world. Standard Grindhouse plot but oh does it set up for what could be THE BEST SEQUEL EVER!
+Danny Trejo is once again AWESOME as Machete and this time is giving some more lines to say
(EX: Machete Don't Tweet---No One Knows Machete)
+Charlie Sheen (Credited as Carlos Estvez, his real name) plays a REALLY good President of USA
+Lady Gaga can ACTUALLY act! AND she is dressed normal! No meat dress, no bubble dress, just a standard dress
+Marko Zarzor as the body guard...oh my god can this guy fight and kick!
+The two helicopter kills
+Madame Desdemona (played by Sofía Vergara) is on crazy SOB! Her weapons include a TEC-9, her "Double D's" (which have to be seen to believe!), and the Robert Rodriguez famous "Crotch Rocket Pistol".
+Alexa Vega returns and BOY did she change!
+Two of THE most badass machetes out there: A Three bladed one and one I won't DARE spoil!
+A Cameo by a certain "Star Trek" AND "Star Wars" item
+A couple cool twists (One you see coming and a few you don't)
+The Molecular Disrupter Pistol. Probably the GORIEST weapon I've seen in any movie!
+The Border Patrol Returns in one of the funniest scenes in the film!
-Antonio Banderas is only in the film for a few minutes or so
- La Camaleón, while a interesting concept, is sorta lame at points
-The Flamethrower aftermath (I thought the burns on the face would've been more server)
-Madame Desmonda and her girls disappear after a car chase
-Tom Savini's cameo is.....eh?
-More of a nitpick, but what the heck was up with the idiot shooting an Ak-47 one handed and sideways at the beginning of the film?!
-The scene with the president and Machete sorta copies the first films scene between Michael Booth and Machete
FINAL SCORE: 9 out of 10… Expand
Jan 10, 2014In my opinion this is a really unnecessary sequel with a huge cliffhanger to another unnecessary sequel. The first Machete had some noncenceIn my opinion this is a really unnecessary sequel with a huge cliffhanger to another unnecessary sequel. The first Machete had some noncence in it, but it actually had some story behind that. Machete Kills seems like nonsence for the sake of noncesnce and nothing more. There are some cool moments, but overall I didn't really like it.… Expand
Nov 4, 2014The whole Machete thing has always been a joke. When the fake trailer appeared in the Grindhouse, it was a funny one. Then it got out of hand.The whole Machete thing has always been a joke. When the fake trailer appeared in the Grindhouse, it was a funny one. Then it got out of hand. The first movie was pretty watchable, but the joke was starting to get overused, you can't make a good movie out of a single gag (or at least Rodriguez can't). This time, the sequel has come very close to the line that separates a crappy movie from a mediocre one. Utter senselessness, poor visual effects, cheesy acting and stupid forced dialogues just don't go unnoticed.
Who pulls this from the depths of awfulness are Michelle Rodriguez (she's hot), Amber Heard (she's even hotter), Mel Gibson (it's a shame he's had a blow to his reputation, he's still same ol' awesome Mel) and Charlie Sheen (because any movie gets better with jokes about Charlie Sheen and hookers or drugs).
So, Machete Kills is barely watchable and gets a very weak 4 out of 10, which is actually 3.5 rounded to 4, something like that. And considering the open nods to an even more ridiculous sequel set in space, things will get worse.… Expand
Sep 2, 2014I'm unimpressed with a crazed killer flying around the world aimlessly. Sure, Danny Trejo embodies an exciting Machete--but there's no pointI'm unimpressed with a crazed killer flying around the world aimlessly. Sure, Danny Trejo embodies an exciting Machete--but there's no point to it. It's campy where a film shouldn't be. Even Lady Gaga's cameo is useless.… Expand
Jan 13, 2014Honestly, I liked the first film enough to give this one a shot and I hated it. It just was not good at all. I can deal with the poor acting,Honestly, I liked the first film enough to give this one a shot and I hated it. It just was not good at all. I can deal with the poor acting, generic plots, and terrible special effects but honestly, I expected something at least watchable/entertaining and this was neither.… Expand
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