To thousands of screaming teenage girls–and a fair share of seedy men–Taylor Swift is a hero. They want to be her. They hate the Harry Styleses/Connor Kennedys/ Taylor Lautners/ John Mayers of the world. Personally, I don’t see it. I mean, I’d definitely try to chat her up if I saw her in a ba, but to me her music represents the relentless homogenization of the pop charts. Just because aTo thousands of screaming teenage girls–and a fair share of seedy men–Taylor Swift is a hero. They want to be her. They hate the Harry Styleses/Connor Kennedys/ Taylor Lautners/ John Mayers of the world. Personally, I don’t see it. I mean, I’d definitely try to chat her up if I saw her in a ba, but to me her music represents the relentless homogenization of the pop charts. Just because a song has a few gently strummed guitars and a female singer doesn’t mean that country music’s finally breaking into the pop charts: people who claim that Taylor represents this should, as Ron Burgundy says, go back to their home on whore island.
It was with a heavy heart, then, that I pressed ‘play’ on Taylor’s latest album, Red. The cover of Red sees Taylor moodily staring at the ground, half her face cast ominously in shadow. This shows that Taylor’s not gonna sing about stupid stuff like “short shorts” and/or “tee shirts” anymore–she’s got some serious, deep to say. The hat she’s wearing shows how country she is. Her red lips match the album cover. She has a new fringe now, too, because she’s not a girl–she’s a woman. The album’s title is written in the same font of the Home Brand jam (and bread and tomato sauce and everything else) that’s in our flat fridge. Rest assured–when the music starts playing, you’ll instantly forget about the cover. You’ll forget about everything. You’ll be transported to a world where anything is possible…even making a totally average album and having it sell millions of copies.
This is the truth: Red isn’t a great album. It isn’t even a good album. It’s that worst of things: a totally mediocre piece of work. When I write an essay I think is good, I’ll be stoked for a while. When I write an essay that’s shockingly, laughably bad, I’m perversely proud that anyone who’s been through 13 years of schooling can produce that level of crap. But (and we all know this feeling) when an essay is totally average, completely middle-of-the-road, not finished in the seconds before it was due but rather abandoned a couple of hours after midnight, you feel totally terrible about yourself. Taylor Swift should feel totally terrible about herself, because Red is totally average. It’s so average that it doesn’t deserve a track-by-track review, because such a review would be average.
The first track, State of Grace, thunders in with a drumbeat that the record company thought was ‘edgy’–loud and fast. It quickly descends into elevator music only interrupted by a chorus that Coldplay would recognise as open plagiarism. Don’t listen to it.
The title track, ‘Red,’ has banjos in it. I’m guessing it’s her way of tipping her massive HEY I’M FROM NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE hat to Mumford and Sons. She talks about how a breakup was as devastating as “driving a Maserati down a dead end street.” Yes Taylor, because all of your 12-year-old fans have Maseratis (and drivers licences). Don’t listen to it.
All Too Well has the lyric “You keep my old scarf/ from the very 1st week/ ‘cos it reminds you of innocence/ and smells like me.” It’s a stupid line. It’s like she doesn’t know how to write songs. It made me really angry to listen to. Don’t leave your lying around at other people’s houses, Taylor. Your untidiness is probably why you’re always breaking up with boys.
It’s not all bad, though. The songs “I Knew You Were Trouble” and “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” are brilliant. This isn’t me being a dick: I genuinely think they’re great songs. “I Knew You Were Trouble” has a drop. It could be played in a dubstep club. Also, there’s a hilarious version of it on YouTube where goats sing the chorus. Please watch it. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is similarly brilliant: the chorus stays in your head for as long as it takes Taylor to comb her new fringe (which is probably ages because her massive hat messes it up heaps).
All in all, I can see why people look up to Taylor Swift as a hero. She sells millions of albums without showing off her boobs at every opportunity. She doesn’t try and appeal to the average filthy teenagers: her music is aimed squarely at ‘wholesome’ listeners, a market which is diminishing pretty rapidly. She always seems polite; she’s never snapped looking wasted or naked. She should definitely be commended for this, but it cannot make up for the fact that this album is a totally average one.… Expand